Yes. You read that right. I’m gonna review Bowling. Not Wii Bowling. I’m talking about real ass bowling. Now, let’s give a bit of context.
Bowling dates back to the days of Ancient Egypt and the oh so Holy Roman Empire. Great Pharoahs and Emperors smiting down their furious vengeance upon the unknowing peasants and field hands with the heads of the fallen. That is bowling in its purest form.
It is not known who invented bowling, some say the likes of Aristotle and Socrates, others say the great Leonardo Da Vinci. These answers are all but lost to history, dust in the wind that we call time. What is known is that whoever invented bowling was an asshole. He just took his money and ran. He hasn’t even patched the game in quite some time, it feels like Cube World all over again. Now I’m left to using mods from the community to get any type of entertainment from this stupid “sport”. That’s another thing. This isn’t a sport, it’s a game. I can’t call Billiards a sport, people would look at me like I’m stupid. Yet, it’s ok to consider this a sport.
Nice try but you can’t fool me.
Now, if you’ve read up to this point than you may be thinking “Michael, why’re you writing a review on Bowling? That seems a bit odd.” And yes, it is odd. But, it must be done.
They’re shit. They suck. I can get some better on my PC. Seriously, c’mon Game Designers look at these textures.
It looks like something that I can get on my toaster (from 1983). It’s got such low graphical fidelity, little to no antialiasing. Hell, there’s some really abysmal screen tearing. Hello, have you ever heard of V-Sync?
Absolute gutter (heh) trash. My rise to the PBA ranks is nonexistent and is, most shockingly, not a Spike Lee Joint. It seems like I’m stuck in the tutorial for a little too long. I wouldn’t even touch the single player with a ten foot stick.
Actually, Bowling seems to have a pretty sizable multiplayer. Which is why the extensive load times seem peculiar to me. Somehow it takes up to 30 minutes for a game to start. Heavy server capacity or just shit servers? I’d think the latter is the most plausible. The entire player base is people that take Bowling a little too seriously. And if you take bowling even a little too seriously, you’re taking it too seriously.
It’s stupid. Grab ball, roll ball, pray that you hit just one pin, miss said pin, and commit to the most awkward activity known to man. The turn back to your friends (or team) is one of the most humiliating things known to mankind. It’s a look of pure defeat. What follows is the most intense conversation.
“What happened there man?”
“Oh, it just slipped you know. Palms sweaty and all that.”
“Don’t worry about it, that’s fine.”
But deep down you know that “that’s fine” really means “I will slaughter you and your kin. Gouge out your eyes and feed them to your first born before I drown them in your blood. Blood to the blood God!” This also goes back to multiplayer. Devs please patch.
And you know that when you said “it just slipped” you really meant “I had 7 layers of Nacho Cheese dip and French Fry grease coating my hands like a glove. It feels like I washed my hands in lube.”
Shit gameplay, these mechanics haven’t updated in ages and it’s beginning to feel more stale than the first time I played it and thought it was stale.
+ French Fries and Nachos
– Everything Else
But alas my girlfriend loves bowling, so I’m stuck playing this shitty game.